Cafemom

I have no life.  I freely admit it.  I have become a member on CM and I have found a group that  I love.

But that is not the point of my blog today.

I have met a couple people that I really like, and I consider friends.  They only number like 4 or 5 but for me that's kind of a big deal.  I don't make friends easily, and it is probably because I am a really nice person, but I have the tendency to speak my mind, and not a lot of people like when I do.  I am sure I am not always tactful.

my dilemma is that I want to continue this friendship IRL. Reasons why I don't.

1.  I wonder if they even like me.

2. Do they think I am a friend?

3. I don't even know how to go about becoming friends IRL.

4. I am extremely shy, and I would probably bore them if I ever met them.

So, I just sit here, and talk to them online.  And my life continues.

I'm not ready for this

Ray can roll.  He giggles when you play with his toes.  He actually giggles, he doesn't do the huuuuunh sound anymore.  Well not unless you get him really going.  He reaches, and grabs and can hold his bottle. 

Now he kicks his legs and tries to crawl.  I am fairly sure he has a tooth or two comin in.   I may be wrong.

But I am just not ready for all this!  He needs to slow down he is growing way to fast.  I know that hes going to keep growing, and I am happy for that.  I am so glad that I have a happy healthy boy, but at the same time, he's starting to learn independance.  He likes to just roll around on the floor.  He actually yelled at me til I put him down and now he's happy as a clam on the floor.  Not fair.  I want him to want me.  To need me.  I want him to be my little baby for just a bit longer.

But days go by.  And he learns new things.  Performs new tricks.

And my heart breaks just a little bit every time.

Day 1 of the Cloth Diaper Adventure

Well.  It went pretty well.  I only have 3 right now but it works out pretty well.  I have used each one twice so far.  I have encountered 2 poopies, 1 of the clay variety and the other is of the wet kind.  Interesting.

See, I thought that CDing would be hard, a pain in the butt and super gross.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I only bought 3 because I wanted to try it and see how I liked it.   And that's all I could afford.  They are super cute, and I love them.  However there are a couple of cons.

1.  They are really bulky, it makes his but look super huge, but this could just be the style of diaper I am using.

2.  I don't have enough of them!

Other than that I am super happy.  They are easy to change, and hold moisture really well.  Well, when I put them together anyway.  Jimmy, bless his heart, put them together wrong so we had some leakage last night, but so far today its good!  They really catch all the urine and the poo.  It's pretty amazing really.  And the best part?  No rubber pants or pins!  Really they are just like disposables just a little bulkier.  Easy on easy off!

The poo.  I was so dreading this part.  Jimmy changed the first one and he wanted to leave it for me.  I said "No way, you change it you clean it.  You have to be OK with doing this too because I am not changing all those diapers and cleaning them too."

So he did it.  He did have some minor complications, that didn't have anything to do with the diapers.  But he said it came right off and cleaned really easy!  When it was my turn, ( I got the wet poo lucky me), I handled it like a pro! Tthere wasn't even much of an odor, no more so than there would be with a disposable.  I didn't have to touch the poo it just came right off under the faucet and down the drain it went!  I am going to get a piece of hose to attach to the utility sink in the garage so that I can clean em up and toss em in.

I like them, and yes, I would recommend them.  Not to save money because they don't save a whole lot, but just because they are cute, easy, affordable, and they keep your baby and the environment clean.  No I am not a tree hugger, but disposable diapers?  Those last forever.

Stay At Home Life

I was not made to sit at home and knit.  I was not made to be home all day with my children.  This does not mean that I do not love them.  I am just a person that needs to be useful.  Yes you can say that taking care of house and kids and cooking is being useful.  But not to me.  I want to be able to spend money, and pay bills, and bring home the potatoes to do with the bacon mu boyfriend brings in.

I have been a stay at home mom for four months now.  I thought I would love it.  And on some levels I do.  But I really want to work.  I like getting up and going to work and coming home, and having a paycheck and a reason to get out of the house.  I don't like being cooped up.

Maybe it is all in my head.  I mean maybe if we could actually afford for me to stay home permanently then I could get into it.  Maybe I am failing at this because I know I HAVE to get a job.  Have to.  No ifs ands or buts.  We are slowly sinking.  So I know that this is only temporary, and if it was to be a forever kind of thing I could attack it with everything I am.

Maybe I am just looking for excuses.  I don't know how peoples psyches work.  I don't know how my inner self works.

Hopefully I find a job, or a way out of this mess.  For now, laundry calls, and I know I am not going to answer.

What's best

Sometimes we automatically know what is best for our kids.  Like not playing in the street, or eating a tub of ice cream in a sitting.  Other times it isn't quite so black and white.  For instance, will that cookie really ruin their dinner?  And is it really going to mess him up for life he eats a corn dog every day for lunch because he refuses anything else and you don't want him to lose weight?

I find myself at one of these stages in life where there are some gray areas.

I want full custody of my son, and Jimmy and I want him to adopt my oldest Andy.  Andy has only known Jimmy as a father.  I have not heard from Chris in 3 years.  Andy hasn't seen him for at least 2.  That's a long time when you have just turned 5.  He hasn't tried to contact me, and frankly I don't want him too.

I feel that he has basically given up Andy and doesn't need to have any warning.  An ad in the classifieds is enough.  If he wanted to be a dad he had plenty of time.

Part of me hopes I am not jinxing myself with this.  That Chris doesn't get a hair up his ass and want back in.

But if he does, should I let him?  I don't think that's good for Andy.  Andys' dad is Jimmy now.  Chris gave his blessing to anyone who wanted to adopt Andy 3 years ago.  Does it still hold true now?

What is the right thing to do?  I know what I am going to do.  I am going to file, and Jimmy is going to adopt.  We will tell Andy when he is older about his bio dad, because that is only fair.  And if or when he decides he wants to find Chris we won't stand in his way.  It is heartbreaking and I wish I didn't have to do this.  But I know this is right for our family and our situation.

Children

When I was a preteen and a teen I lived in a house that was not just home, but an in home daycare as well.  The children were complete hellions and I hated it when they were there.  They whined, cried, bitched and moaned incessantly.  I am thoroughly convinced that my stepmother found the worst kids to watch intentionallly to make my life crappy.

I hated kids, everything about them. The whining, nagging, pooping, messes everything.  I didn't even think it was cute when they giggled.  Of course I was a young teen so maybe it was natural to feel this way.  But they convinced me I never wanted kids.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest, and just about 20 when I had him.  Totally wasn't ready.  But when I held him in my arms for the first time, something magical happened.  I fell in love, completely and irrevocably.  Then I fell back asleep.  I made a lot of mistakes with my first, and I hope he grows up to be a good man, which with Jimmy as a role model I am sure he will.

I learned something else too.  I still hated kids.  Not mine.  Yours.

I continued this way up until Sept 28, 2010.  That's when I had Ray, And right around then other peoples kids started looking adorable.  I don't know what happened, but I am glad it did.  Kids are awesome, and there's no way you can make a list of the things you can learn from watching and interacting with them.  Babies are my favorites.  Before they were just little blobs of slobber.  But now they are adorable, and each one different.

Kids are a blessing, and I want more.  Like 3 more.  Now I just have to convince the man.

Adventures in Cloth Diapering Take One

So, I have made the decision to start cloth diapering.  When I first decided to try I figured it would be little rubber pants and pins.  I was wrong.  There are so many different kinds of diapers!  They range from diapers that are like cloth versions of disposables, to ones that you have to fold and tuck and pin and then stick on a cover!  It got pretty confusing pretty fast.

I finally waded my way through the hundreds of sites, and found what I hope to be the perfect diaper for me.  I looked at name brands and work from home mamas, and everything in between!  I have my first cloth diapers coming soon I hope.

What got me thinking about doing this was the savings, but the more I looked into it the more I realized that they are just the cutest things ever!  I won't be saving much, I have discovered that I only spend $80 a month on diapers, but after the bills for doing more laundry goes up I will only save around $60 to $70.  I can afford that, so basically the decision to cloth diaper is the same as any other parenting choice.  It's about what works best for you.  And I am going to put it to the test.  So, I will chart my battles, and try to get over my revulsion to touching feces.  Blech.

So, the story shall continue after I try out my first fluffies!