Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What's best

Sometimes we automatically know what is best for our kids.  Like not playing in the street, or eating a tub of ice cream in a sitting.  Other times it isn't quite so black and white.  For instance, will that cookie really ruin their dinner?  And is it really going to mess him up for life he eats a corn dog every day for lunch because he refuses anything else and you don't want him to lose weight?

I find myself at one of these stages in life where there are some gray areas.

I want full custody of my son, and Jimmy and I want him to adopt my oldest Andy.  Andy has only known Jimmy as a father.  I have not heard from Chris in 3 years.  Andy hasn't seen him for at least 2.  That's a long time when you have just turned 5.  He hasn't tried to contact me, and frankly I don't want him too.

I feel that he has basically given up Andy and doesn't need to have any warning.  An ad in the classifieds is enough.  If he wanted to be a dad he had plenty of time.

Part of me hopes I am not jinxing myself with this.  That Chris doesn't get a hair up his ass and want back in.

But if he does, should I let him?  I don't think that's good for Andy.  Andys' dad is Jimmy now.  Chris gave his blessing to anyone who wanted to adopt Andy 3 years ago.  Does it still hold true now?

What is the right thing to do?  I know what I am going to do.  I am going to file, and Jimmy is going to adopt.  We will tell Andy when he is older about his bio dad, because that is only fair.  And if or when he decides he wants to find Chris we won't stand in his way.  It is heartbreaking and I wish I didn't have to do this.  But I know this is right for our family and our situation.

Monday, January 24, 2011


When I was a preteen and a teen I lived in a house that was not just home, but an in home daycare as well.  The children were complete hellions and I hated it when they were there.  They whined, cried, bitched and moaned incessantly.  I am thoroughly convinced that my stepmother found the worst kids to watch intentionallly to make my life crappy.

I hated kids, everything about them. The whining, nagging, pooping, messes everything.  I didn't even think it was cute when they giggled.  Of course I was a young teen so maybe it was natural to feel this way.  But they convinced me I never wanted kids.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest, and just about 20 when I had him.  Totally wasn't ready.  But when I held him in my arms for the first time, something magical happened.  I fell in love, completely and irrevocably.  Then I fell back asleep.  I made a lot of mistakes with my first, and I hope he grows up to be a good man, which with Jimmy as a role model I am sure he will.

I learned something else too.  I still hated kids.  Not mine.  Yours.

I continued this way up until Sept 28, 2010.  That's when I had Ray, And right around then other peoples kids started looking adorable.  I don't know what happened, but I am glad it did.  Kids are awesome, and there's no way you can make a list of the things you can learn from watching and interacting with them.  Babies are my favorites.  Before they were just little blobs of slobber.  But now they are adorable, and each one different.

Kids are a blessing, and I want more.  Like 3 more.  Now I just have to convince the man.

Adventures in Cloth Diapering Take One

So, I have made the decision to start cloth diapering.  When I first decided to try I figured it would be little rubber pants and pins.  I was wrong.  There are so many different kinds of diapers!  They range from diapers that are like cloth versions of disposables, to ones that you have to fold and tuck and pin and then stick on a cover!  It got pretty confusing pretty fast.

I finally waded my way through the hundreds of sites, and found what I hope to be the perfect diaper for me.  I looked at name brands and work from home mamas, and everything in between!  I have my first cloth diapers coming soon I hope.

What got me thinking about doing this was the savings, but the more I looked into it the more I realized that they are just the cutest things ever!  I won't be saving much, I have discovered that I only spend $80 a month on diapers, but after the bills for doing more laundry goes up I will only save around $60 to $70.  I can afford that, so basically the decision to cloth diaper is the same as any other parenting choice.  It's about what works best for you.  And I am going to put it to the test.  So, I will chart my battles, and try to get over my revulsion to touching feces.  Blech.

So, the story shall continue after I try out my first fluffies!