Life, it Happened

So first off.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it is that important.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks, and I am liking it so far.  I have learned a lot about my past, and the events that have shaped my personality today.  It is amazing what you can learn when you talk to a third party.  I am not sure if I am going to continue 1 aspect because if leaves me feeling a little numb, but eh.

I have been so busy lately, trying to plan a wedding by myself, with some input from the man unit.  I have the best mom in the world, she has been so helpful.

We have been working in our business greenhouse, trimming, planting, repotting, taking cuttings, dividing, and so many other things.

We have gotten our garden space ready, and planted everything out, I have little baby carrot shoots, beet tops, and my bush beans are growing like mad, my potatoes will do very well this year even tho they will only be saved for next year.

We have cut down 2 trees this year, and a bush.  We replanted a Hogyoku Maple by the greenhouse and everything is looking grand for the wedding.  I just hope that the grass stays green!

Ray has grown so much!  I can hardly believe that he is almost 8 months!  Time has just flown by.  He pulls himself up, and crawls all over the place, he says dadadadadada and makes many other sounds, he makes the pincer fingers and can eat semi solid food all on his own.  He still loves his bottle, and can't figure out what to do with the sippy cup we bought him.  But I love the cuddle time when we feed him his bottles because he refuses to hold them.  I will miss it when he gets more independent.

And Mr. Andy.  I teared up when we went and signed him up for Kindergarten.  Is he really that old already?!  He is such a little man, even if he does still whine a bit, but he will do great I just know it, he is so inquisitive!

We are going cake tasting this Friday, and I have a gorgeous dress, I have lost a few pounds, and I love my job.

And now you know the rest of the story.

The big A

I just read a blog about fetal pain and a woman who was denied an abortion when her water broke at 22 weeks, and the baby suffered for it longer than she should have.

I then went on to educate myself more about abortion.  I had been living in a bubble knowing what it was and yet denying myself from actually thinking about it.  I am pro choice and I will stay that way.  But after reading and seeing it, I could never do that to my baby.  Even the thought of a miscarriage freaks me out.  Abortion is a terrible thing, and the images I saw will be with me forever. 

I wish I hadn't gotten curious and let my fingers wander where they would.  I just, yeah, I feel sick. 

However, I do remain pro choice, women need the ability to choose, and they need to have a safe place to go through this life changing ordeal.  If you make it illegal you will be forcing these women into unsafe and dangerous territory.  The abortions will still happen, but women will die.  And any woman who is able to do this over and over without remorse, or even one time without remorse, there is something wrong with you.  Seriously.  Get help, or get your uterus removed.

On the road to the perfect diaper and other random crap

I have completely and irrevocably fallen in love with cloth diapering.  They are cute and the minky, oh the minky.  I want minky underwear, or pants, or bra.  I don't really care what it is but the minky is to die for. 

Getting back on track, I love how you can customize cloth diapers.  It is another way to treat your little smooshy baby like the mini barbie doll they are.  Because you aren't going with their likes and dislikes, you are going with yours and living vicariously through them.  For instance, I love stuffed animals, however I have reached an age where it isn't really acceptable to cuddle them and collect them any more.  Well, unless I want to be the crazy cat lady. So, I buy stuffed animals and claim I am getting them for the kids.

Jimmy, he's a meh kind of guy.  He went along with my whims to try cloth diapers, and he's cool with it.  I really wanted him to just love it, but being meh, I had to think of something awesomely brutal to wow him with.

Enter the Metalocalypse Diaper.  I looked for someone on Cafemom, in the Cuties with Cloth Booties group for someone to make me one.  Pff that was a fail.  I had given up hope when I stumbled across an ad on Craigslist for a woman who lives rather close to me who makes and sells these wonderful diapers.  I saw that she had WOW, Pirates, Owls, Butterflies, and all other kinds of embroidered diapers.  I thought could this be it?  I hit her up on FB and she was all for it.

I was SO excited!!!!  She was super helpful, and talked to me the whole way through.  There were tons of choices, which I hate making.  But she made it super easy.  And her name?  oh my gosh, I love it.  Velvet Rabbit Cloth and Ooberz diapers!  So cool, the Velveteen Rabbit was my fave story growing up.

So together, we came up with this.

BRUTAL!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy loved it, that's his leg in the image.  He is a huge Metalocalypse fan.  And he has gotten me hooked on it as well.

There will be others I want, I have thought about making my own, but I am going to definitely have her make me more.  I was thinking a Davis Pirates one, orange and black baby!

We shall see what the future holds. . . .

Who am I?

Monique got me thinking about well, me.  I used to be all about me, I used to think I was pretty interesting and fun to be with.  I used to have real life friends, and things to do.

Now however, I am a Mom first and foremost, and I think I have lost some pieces of me along the way.  I love my kids, and I wouldn't give them up for anything.  I like who they have helped me become.  I just think that it is time to find me again.

I love reading books.  Books are such a huge part of my life that I can't even imagine never reading another.  Jimmy tries to banish me from them.  He doesn't understand, I need the space they give me.  The way they take me away from where I am and put me into whatever world they contain.  Harry Potter was not just another book, it was a place and time for me.  I wish I had never seen the first movie.  It ruined how I saw my Harry, Ron and Professor Snape for months.  When I read it is a movie in my head, I see the characters, and the scenery.  I get into the words and it is very hard to pull me out of them.  I also go through them like mad and have a hard time rereading them.  There are some that I have had no problems with however.

The thing I love most besides books is music.  Music soothes me, pumps me up and helps me think.  I live for it.  I will listen to anything that plays.  There are only two kinds I do not like, Christmas music, and the Mexican stuff they play on the radio.  But if that was all that ever played then I would listen to it and love it.

I like all kinds of art, and yet I suck horribly at them all.  I can't draw to save my life though I wish I could.  I love photography even though I probably suck at it.  I really want a nice camera so that I can work on that skill.  I love to write, but my talent with words has begun to escape me the more time passes.

I have found a love of plants and I hope to nurture it and make it grow into something more.  I love getting my hands dirty and watching something grow that I planted knowing what I have done to help it along the way.  Plants fascinate me, you can literally cut off pieces of them and if you just add some dirt, water and sunshine you can make that piece of it grow.  Maybe I feel so close to plants because that is how I feel.  Like a piece of me has been cut off, but I am finally getting the chance to grow it into something new and beautiful.

I have gone through my fair share of tough times and I am just starting to come out of it.  I look forward to my new life, and I will make time for it.

Cafemom

I have no life.  I freely admit it.  I have become a member on CM and I have found a group that  I love.

But that is not the point of my blog today.

I have met a couple people that I really like, and I consider friends.  They only number like 4 or 5 but for me that's kind of a big deal.  I don't make friends easily, and it is probably because I am a really nice person, but I have the tendency to speak my mind, and not a lot of people like when I do.  I am sure I am not always tactful.

my dilemma is that I want to continue this friendship IRL. Reasons why I don't.

1.  I wonder if they even like me.

2. Do they think I am a friend?

3. I don't even know how to go about becoming friends IRL.

4. I am extremely shy, and I would probably bore them if I ever met them.

So, I just sit here, and talk to them online.  And my life continues.

I'm not ready for this

Ray can roll.  He giggles when you play with his toes.  He actually giggles, he doesn't do the huuuuunh sound anymore.  Well not unless you get him really going.  He reaches, and grabs and can hold his bottle. 

Now he kicks his legs and tries to crawl.  I am fairly sure he has a tooth or two comin in.   I may be wrong.

But I am just not ready for all this!  He needs to slow down he is growing way to fast.  I know that hes going to keep growing, and I am happy for that.  I am so glad that I have a happy healthy boy, but at the same time, he's starting to learn independance.  He likes to just roll around on the floor.  He actually yelled at me til I put him down and now he's happy as a clam on the floor.  Not fair.  I want him to want me.  To need me.  I want him to be my little baby for just a bit longer.

But days go by.  And he learns new things.  Performs new tricks.

And my heart breaks just a little bit every time.

Day 1 of the Cloth Diaper Adventure

Well.  It went pretty well.  I only have 3 right now but it works out pretty well.  I have used each one twice so far.  I have encountered 2 poopies, 1 of the clay variety and the other is of the wet kind.  Interesting.

See, I thought that CDing would be hard, a pain in the butt and super gross.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I only bought 3 because I wanted to try it and see how I liked it.   And that's all I could afford.  They are super cute, and I love them.  However there are a couple of cons.

1.  They are really bulky, it makes his but look super huge, but this could just be the style of diaper I am using.

2.  I don't have enough of them!

Other than that I am super happy.  They are easy to change, and hold moisture really well.  Well, when I put them together anyway.  Jimmy, bless his heart, put them together wrong so we had some leakage last night, but so far today its good!  They really catch all the urine and the poo.  It's pretty amazing really.  And the best part?  No rubber pants or pins!  Really they are just like disposables just a little bulkier.  Easy on easy off!

The poo.  I was so dreading this part.  Jimmy changed the first one and he wanted to leave it for me.  I said "No way, you change it you clean it.  You have to be OK with doing this too because I am not changing all those diapers and cleaning them too."

So he did it.  He did have some minor complications, that didn't have anything to do with the diapers.  But he said it came right off and cleaned really easy!  When it was my turn, ( I got the wet poo lucky me), I handled it like a pro! Tthere wasn't even much of an odor, no more so than there would be with a disposable.  I didn't have to touch the poo it just came right off under the faucet and down the drain it went!  I am going to get a piece of hose to attach to the utility sink in the garage so that I can clean em up and toss em in.

I like them, and yes, I would recommend them.  Not to save money because they don't save a whole lot, but just because they are cute, easy, affordable, and they keep your baby and the environment clean.  No I am not a tree hugger, but disposable diapers?  Those last forever.

Stay At Home Life

I was not made to sit at home and knit.  I was not made to be home all day with my children.  This does not mean that I do not love them.  I am just a person that needs to be useful.  Yes you can say that taking care of house and kids and cooking is being useful.  But not to me.  I want to be able to spend money, and pay bills, and bring home the potatoes to do with the bacon mu boyfriend brings in.

I have been a stay at home mom for four months now.  I thought I would love it.  And on some levels I do.  But I really want to work.  I like getting up and going to work and coming home, and having a paycheck and a reason to get out of the house.  I don't like being cooped up.

Maybe it is all in my head.  I mean maybe if we could actually afford for me to stay home permanently then I could get into it.  Maybe I am failing at this because I know I HAVE to get a job.  Have to.  No ifs ands or buts.  We are slowly sinking.  So I know that this is only temporary, and if it was to be a forever kind of thing I could attack it with everything I am.

Maybe I am just looking for excuses.  I don't know how peoples psyches work.  I don't know how my inner self works.

Hopefully I find a job, or a way out of this mess.  For now, laundry calls, and I know I am not going to answer.

What's best

Sometimes we automatically know what is best for our kids.  Like not playing in the street, or eating a tub of ice cream in a sitting.  Other times it isn't quite so black and white.  For instance, will that cookie really ruin their dinner?  And is it really going to mess him up for life he eats a corn dog every day for lunch because he refuses anything else and you don't want him to lose weight?

I find myself at one of these stages in life where there are some gray areas.

I want full custody of my son, and Jimmy and I want him to adopt my oldest Andy.  Andy has only known Jimmy as a father.  I have not heard from Chris in 3 years.  Andy hasn't seen him for at least 2.  That's a long time when you have just turned 5.  He hasn't tried to contact me, and frankly I don't want him too.

I feel that he has basically given up Andy and doesn't need to have any warning.  An ad in the classifieds is enough.  If he wanted to be a dad he had plenty of time.

Part of me hopes I am not jinxing myself with this.  That Chris doesn't get a hair up his ass and want back in.

But if he does, should I let him?  I don't think that's good for Andy.  Andys' dad is Jimmy now.  Chris gave his blessing to anyone who wanted to adopt Andy 3 years ago.  Does it still hold true now?

What is the right thing to do?  I know what I am going to do.  I am going to file, and Jimmy is going to adopt.  We will tell Andy when he is older about his bio dad, because that is only fair.  And if or when he decides he wants to find Chris we won't stand in his way.  It is heartbreaking and I wish I didn't have to do this.  But I know this is right for our family and our situation.

Children

When I was a preteen and a teen I lived in a house that was not just home, but an in home daycare as well.  The children were complete hellions and I hated it when they were there.  They whined, cried, bitched and moaned incessantly.  I am thoroughly convinced that my stepmother found the worst kids to watch intentionallly to make my life crappy.

I hated kids, everything about them. The whining, nagging, pooping, messes everything.  I didn't even think it was cute when they giggled.  Of course I was a young teen so maybe it was natural to feel this way.  But they convinced me I never wanted kids.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest, and just about 20 when I had him.  Totally wasn't ready.  But when I held him in my arms for the first time, something magical happened.  I fell in love, completely and irrevocably.  Then I fell back asleep.  I made a lot of mistakes with my first, and I hope he grows up to be a good man, which with Jimmy as a role model I am sure he will.

I learned something else too.  I still hated kids.  Not mine.  Yours.

I continued this way up until Sept 28, 2010.  That's when I had Ray, And right around then other peoples kids started looking adorable.  I don't know what happened, but I am glad it did.  Kids are awesome, and there's no way you can make a list of the things you can learn from watching and interacting with them.  Babies are my favorites.  Before they were just little blobs of slobber.  But now they are adorable, and each one different.

Kids are a blessing, and I want more.  Like 3 more.  Now I just have to convince the man.

Adventures in Cloth Diapering Take One

So, I have made the decision to start cloth diapering.  When I first decided to try I figured it would be little rubber pants and pins.  I was wrong.  There are so many different kinds of diapers!  They range from diapers that are like cloth versions of disposables, to ones that you have to fold and tuck and pin and then stick on a cover!  It got pretty confusing pretty fast.

I finally waded my way through the hundreds of sites, and found what I hope to be the perfect diaper for me.  I looked at name brands and work from home mamas, and everything in between!  I have my first cloth diapers coming soon I hope.

What got me thinking about doing this was the savings, but the more I looked into it the more I realized that they are just the cutest things ever!  I won't be saving much, I have discovered that I only spend $80 a month on diapers, but after the bills for doing more laundry goes up I will only save around $60 to $70.  I can afford that, so basically the decision to cloth diaper is the same as any other parenting choice.  It's about what works best for you.  And I am going to put it to the test.  So, I will chart my battles, and try to get over my revulsion to touching feces.  Blech.

So, the story shall continue after I try out my first fluffies!